From Honeymoon to Hell: How Infertility Almost Ruined My Life

Today I spoke to my wonderful husband, Mark, about my infertility. For the past 3 years its been such a sensitive issue on both of our ends, we’ve not really been able to discuss it properly as compassionate adults.

Having put our hardships behind us, Mark and I are 100% focused on figuring out HOW CAN I GET PREGNANT together.

Before I tell you what we decided is our next step, let me tell you a bit about mine and Mark’s situation on how we got where we are right now…

Mark, or Staff Sergent Markus Wilson as he’s known to some , and I met during our last year of college. He was in the Army and I knew that if I stayed with him, I would have to endure long periods of separation while he went away on deployments. But hey, love is love, deployment shmeployment. After years of being separated for many months at a time, Mark proposed to me on my 27th birthday. When Mark was 29, he was called to duty for 1 last time, and right  before he left I made him a promise. I told Mark that if he promised me that he’d come back well and in 1 piece (just as I’d made him promise me many times before), I would give him a little boy and we would call him Lucas, after Mark’s recently deceased father, Sergeant Major Lucas Wilson.

Mark came back and I was ecstatic.  That night, we went “right to work.” I had promised him a baby after all

However, as the months went on, the hope and excitement slowly faded into anxiety, embarrassment and tension. Our sex life had quite literally become “work.” Romance went out the window and was now replaced with stress and humiliation, but I loved Mark and I wanted to be the woman that gave him a child. I wanted to create a family together.

After 18 months of trying to get pregnant, I could no longer live in denial so I went to the gyno to find out what was going on. Up to this point I was fairly healthy with no real problems. However, after the less-than-lovely gyno visit, I waited for 4 days to hear the results. I don’t think I go much sleep those 96 hours, because all I could think about it what getting pregnant.

And then the results came-

Dr: Angella?

Me: Yes…

Dr: Angella… your tests came back.

[Silence]

…Angella, I’m sorry to tell you this, but your FSH levels are beyond abnormally high for a woman your age.

Me: I’m sorry, I’m not sure I follow.

Dr: …in 99.9% of cases this means 1 thing – Premature Ovarian Failure.

[silence]

Premature Menopause.  That’s why you haven’t been able to conceive.

Me: Menopause?! I’m 32 years old?! That Can’t be right!

Dr: I’m sorry Angella, I really sympathize with you, but it’s my responsibility to relay this news to you honestly. I know it must be very difficult to handle. I understand if you’d like to get a second opinion.

Second opinion?! Hell, I got 3 opinions!
So what? They were all the same. My uterus had retired 15-20 years before I supposed to, and somehow, in the blink of an eye, I felt like an old, lonely woman inhabiting the body of a previously healthy, enthusiastic and hopeful mother to be. My uterus would never be a nest for a wonderful little baby boy or girl, but a tomb. A dark, locked chamber inside my body that would serve as an ongoing reminder that I had been somehow cruelly punished for a crime I’d never committed.

The next 3 years of my life were filled with confusion about my future, depression, self-pity and CONSTANT conflict with Mark.

As I mentioned in my first post, I had a major life changing event recently, a death in the family, that has allowed me to switch from the “Why Can’t I Get Pregnant?” cry of desperation to the “How Can I Get Pregnant?”  quest for success.

Since this post is so long, in the next post , I will explain what Mark and I have decided to do in my NEXT post.

Side note: My first post encourage 15 women to subscribe! I am really motivated by knowing that I will be helping other women with my story! So please, it would mean the world to me if you would subscribe to “How Can I Get Pregnant?” and joined me on my no-is-not-an-option journey to pregnancy.

Having put our hardships behind us, Mark and I are 100% focused on figuring out HOW CAN I GET PREGNANT  together.
Before I tell you what we decided is our next step, let me tell you a bit about mine and mark’s situation on how we got where we are right now.
Mark, or Staff Seargent Markus Wilson as he’s known to some , and I met during our last year of college. He was in the Army and I knew that if I stayed with him, I would have to endure long periods of separation while he went away on deployments. But hey, love is love, deployment shmeployment. After years of being separated for many months at a time, Mark proposed to me on my 27th birthday. When Mark was 29, he was called to duty for 1 last time, and right  before he left I made him a promise. I told Mark that if he promised me that he’d come back well and in 1 piece (as I’d made him promise me many times before), I would give him a little boy and we would call him Lucas, after Mark’s recently deceased father, Seargent Major Lucas Wilson.
Mark came back and I was ecstatic.  That night, we went “right to work.” I had promised him a baby afterall
However, as the months went on, the hope and excitement slowly faded into anxiety, embarrassment and tension. Our love life had quite literally become “work.” In some ways, I remember, it was humiliating, but I truly loved Mark and I wanted to be the woman that gave him a baby and raise our wonderful children together.
After 18 months of trying to get pregnant, I could no longer live in denial so I went to the gyno to find out what’s going on. Up to this point I was fairly healthy with no real problems. After the less-than-lovely gyno visit I waited for days to hear the results. The question of “How Can I Get Pregnant?” seemed to be consuming my every waking thought.
And then the results came-
“Angella?
–Yes…
Angella… your tests came back.
[Silence]
Angella, I’m sorry to tell you this, but your FSH levels are beyond abnormally high for a woman your age.
–I’m sorry, I’m not sure I follow.
…in 99.9% of cases this means 1 thing – Premature Ovarian Failure.
[silence]
Premature Menopause.  That’s why you haven’t been able to conceive.
–Menopause?! I’m 32 years old?! That Can’t be right!
I’m sorry Angella, it’s my responsibility to relay this news to you honestly. I know it must be very difficult to handle. I understand if you’d like to get a second opinion.
Second opinion?! Hell, I got 3 oppinions!
So what? They were all the same. My uteris had retired 15-20 years before I supposed to, and somehow, in the blink of an eye, I felt like an old, lonely woman inhabiting the body of a previously healthy, enthusiastic and hopeful mother to be.
The next 3 years of my life were filled with confusion about my future, depression about being forbidden from what I wanted most, self-pity for my undeserved sentence, and CONSTANT conflict with Mark.
As I mentioned in my first post, I had a major life changing event recently (I’m not sure I feel comfortable posting it here yet) that has allowed me to switch from the “Why Can’t I Get Pregnant?” cry of desperation to the “How Can I Get Pregnant?”  search for answers.
Since this post is so long, in the next post , I will explain what Mark and I have decided to do and keep you updated on my journey.
My first post encourage 15 women to subscribe! I am really motivated by knowing that I will be helping other women with my story! So please, it would mean the world to me if you would subscribe to “How Can I Get Pregnant?” and followed me on my no-is-not-an-option journey to pregnancy.

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