Earlier today, a couple came to me for pregnancy coaching. She had bags under her eyes. Although her skin wasn’t much over 30, her eyes showed the signs of an old woman who had been defeated and heartbroken. She was sad. And I was sad to see her that way. I gave her a hug and asked her to sit down.
As we began talking, her story began unfolding. At first she was hesitant to talk about about it, but as the words began to trickle out and she became more comfortable, there was a flashflood of trials and failures and near successes – and absolutely no results to show for them all. 6 years TTC and still no baby. She was angry. She was afraid. She was ashamed. And then she was silent.
She started crying.
Her husband put a hand on her back and said, “its ok, honey.”
She let out a screeching cry, “ITS NOT OK! DON’T TELL ME IT’S OK! THEY ALL TELL ME ITS OK! DO YOU SEE THIS?! THERE’S NOTHING OK HERE! IM NOT OK! IM NEVER GOING TO HAVE CHILDREN DAMNIT! HOW IS THAT OK?! WHO THE F*#$ GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO TELL THAT ITS OK!!!”
She stood up and just held her head in her hands weeping.
I have seen many distraught women, but what I felt at that moment is unlike anything I’d ever felt before. It was like someone had died. And in a way, someone had. The part of that woman that was feminine and creative had died. The part that was hopeful and wonderful and nurturing had died. The part of her that a child could call “mommy” left. She was just there, hollow, filled with hate aimed at all corners of the universe.
I tried to help, but she pretended like I wasn’t there, until she finally told me to “shut up.” Her husband tried to console her, but she swung at him to get away. We just let her stand there. There were 3 of us in the room, but she was alone now. She had chosen the path of fear, sadness and defeat. We were offering her the other path, but she wasn’t taking it. Unfortunately, hard as I may try, I am not a magician or sorceress. I help people overcome very difficult obstacles in their lives, but only with their passionate, dedicated participation.
Eventually they left. They didn’t leave a phone number or a method of contact. It was truly heartbreaking. I took a minute sitting at my desk thinking about this past year and all the women who I’d helped and how badly I wished I could help this woman. I said a prayer for her and her husband. And in her honor I would like to teach you all an exercise that will help you cement your hope and determination and give you new determination if you are ever begining to lose hope.
This exercise is VERY effective for anything that you are passionate about, but in this particular case, we will use it to cement your faith and passion in getting pregnant.
- Sit down in a comfortable chair, ideally wearing comfortable clothes. In general you want to be comfortable so you don’t get distracted by your surroundings. This exercise should only take 5 minutes, but try to block off at least 15 so that you don’t feel any pressure.
- Begin to visualize the very worst situation if you never get pregnant. Picture your worst fear. See how you feel. Picture things around you. Vividly. Try to see the details of the situation. Try to see the clothes you’re wearing. Try to see peoples facial expressions around you. What is your skin feeling? What is your nose smelling? What color is everything?
- After you have a very vivid image of your worst fear, I want you to turn off the sound. Turn off your smell. Turn off your touch. Turn the image to black and white.
- Visualize this image moving to the very periphery of your vision. It can go left, right, or you can split it and sent to both sides, but the resulting image should only be at the very corners of your vision, ideally 3-7% of your visual field and no more than 12%.
- You now have an open canvas in front of you. On this canvas your going to picture your absolute DREAM. The image that represents your desire for a child more than anything else. Perhaps its the moment you find out. Maybe its the moment when the doctor places the baby in your arms. Maybe its placing the baby in his/her first crib. Maybe it hearing your babies first words or watching him/her grow up. Whatever it is, you know what it is for you and I want you to picture it.
- I want you to notice every single thing about that moment. Who is there? What are they doing? How do you feel? What do you look like? How does the air feel? How does the place smell? How fast is everything moving? What’s running through your mind?
- Try to actually step into the self that you’re envisioning in that image and see how it feels. Does it feel right? If anything is even a little bit off, adjust it so that its perfect. This is what you want.
- Take even greater notice of all the details, the individual textures of the things around you, the way the light is falling on all the colors. You may feel a smile or a grin coming across you face as the image becomes increasingly real. This is good (if not, thats perfectly fine too, there is no right/wrong).
- With your worst nightmare in your very periphery, faded to black and white silence, and your ultimate dream right in front of you, shining with all of the details that make is so wonderful and desirable to you, ask yourself this question, “Do I give myself permission to have this?” Don’t force the answer. This might be instantaneous or it may take a while, but when your innerself gives you that permission, you will know. You will feel all of your motivations aligned and you will not feel any negativity towards yourself or your desires.
- With the image in front of you, picture yourself floating above and out of your body and looking down at yourself sitting there. Try to even see the visual picture you have created for yourself as an object in front of you.
- Picture some type of timeline extending out of you. It can look however you want, any color, shape, texture, etc. It can extend from any part of your body (chest, forehead and fingers are very common). It may have notches on it, like a ruler, or it may not. This is your future. It is the timeline of you life.
- Picture yourself placing the image that you’ve created onto the timeline. You may want to pick it up with one hand, or both hand, or just have it levitate, or even pick it up with a crane! However your mind moves it is PERFECT. Now place that image on the timeline. You may need to shift it around to find the right place on the timeline, but once you find the right place, you will know. Let it really sink in there and lock in. Some people like to screw the image into the timeline or use something to fasten it. Do whatever you need to do to make sure that your image is firmly planted on that timeline.
- Picture your timeline retracting back into your body, taking in with it your image of success and picture yourself returning back into your body as you are sitting there in the room. You should feel complete, relaxed and focused. You will feel aligned and without conflict. You may laugh. You may shed a tear of happiness. You may want to dance or jump around singing your favorite song. Do it. You’ve just gotten over one of the biggest hurdles in life and it certainly is a cause worthy of celebration.
I hope you will use this exercise and that it realigns you with your passions so that you may continue with confidence on your Pregnancy Miracle journey.